


In which Parker is mostly dead and Cib tells a story

by WoozleBucket



Series: Sugar Pine 7 Drabbles [5]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF, Sugar Pine 7
Genre: Spooky Pine 7 AU, are these characters really in it, or is this just fantasy, parker's alive today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:18:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoozleBucket/pseuds/WoozleBucket
Summary: What the title says.





	In which Parker is mostly dead and Cib tells a story

**Author's Note:**

> From the spooky pine 7 au from the discord. 
> 
> In other news, NASA is coming to my school and talking. I may be drafted.

“Okay, Parker, listen up ‘cause I’m gonna tell you a really cool story, alright?”

“Uh…”

“The year is 1772 and a vampire summons a demon. The vampire is a fucking idiot and bound the demon to him for eternity, or until they can find away to break the bond. Neither of them are particularly happy with the arrangement, but, hey, what are they gonna do? 

Cut to a year later when the vampire’s walking around. He turns around to see a man blowing smoke out of his mouth and, hey, would you look at that, it’s the demon. It’s whatever to the vampire, but the demon is fucking pumped, dude. See, the demon was smoke for a year because he didn’t have enough time to get a meatsuit before being bound to the vampire, so having an actual body is a dream come true.

There’re some wars and stuff, some civil rights things, but the most important thing is definitely the demon discovering that the vampire actually likes him. ‘It’s like, it’s about time, asshole, it’s been half a fuckin’ century, dude,’ the demon says. ‘Yeah, whatever,’ the vampire groans, immediately regretting saying anything. See, the demon and the vampire are best friends out of circumstance.”

“Was that an impersonation of Steven?”

“Shut up. The year is 1907 and the vampire and the demon find a weird Italian thing that says that it knows how to break their bond. They actually think about it, but the thing doesn’t look to trustworthy and is a nutbag. After some careful consideration (actually, there was no thinking necessary), they say ‘fuck off, weirdo’ and leave for Europe again. 

Europe is cool, the Romanians get pissy over the vampire’s anti-killing thing, the vampire and the demon get chased out of Romania, and another war starts. But that’s not important. What’s important is that a merry band of monster hunters start chasing the two around Europe until they say ‘fuck this’ and go back to America. Once back in America, they find the weird Italian thing being chased by a local band of monster hunters. The vampire begrudgingly saves it, and then they leave before the weird Italian thing does anything weird or Italian.

The vampire opens a speakeasy, the demon does cool smoke tricks at the speakeasy, and there are guns. The demon doesn’t like guns, hasn’t since an incident back in the American Civil War. The weird Italian thing finds them and decides that it’s the vampire’s new best friend, which the demon is perfectly fine with. The weird Italian thing becomes the vampire’s bodyguard, which the demon is perfectly fine with. 

The depression doesn’t impact them, like, at all, but with less people with food, the less people with enough blood to drink. The vampire takes to drinking from the demon, but he always complains that his blood tastes like overcooked meat. But, hey, at least the music’s great! 

Another fucking war starts, yawn, and the weird Italian thing goes back to Italy to help its weird Italian thing nation. The demon recognizes Hitler, but he doesn’t do anything about it because what the hell is he gonna do, complain to their boss that another demon’s trying to wipe out the human race again? Besides, the demon’s probably long-forgotten by now. The vampire decides to be a hermit again in the wild lands of Canada. The demon likes Canada, yeah, but it’s not California or England or hell.”

“Oh my God-”

“What did I tell you about the ‘G-word’ dude? The war is over, yay! But then another war starts, and the vampire and the demon are actually sorta concerned with this one. They saw what happened to Japan, and they figured that they definitely wouldn’t be able to survive a nuclear blast. It’s whatever, though, ‘cause Elvis! And television! And Elvis on television! The demon finds out that his meatsuit apparently had a pretty good singing voice and almost gets roped into an appearance on Ed Sullivan, but the vampire’s worried about the publicity or something. 

The war’s still going on, but another ten billion wars start up again, so the vampire goes off to be a hermit again. The demon isn’t happy about it this time because, hello! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll! The whole time they’re hermiting, the vampire complains about the current state of the government and the demon complains about the vampire complaining about the current state of the government. So they go back to civilization and watch the moon landing. ‘I’m gonna go up there someday,’ the demon decides. ‘Like hell you are,’ the vampire says. ‘We can’t even get on a plane without you causing an outage.’

Woodstock, enough said.

When the ‘70s roll around, the demon tries to learn how to dance like John Travolta. He also tries to learn how to be John Travolta. The vampire says he’s obsessed, but the vampire’s also obsessed with television in general. They decide that they’re gonna do tv one day. The vampire hates the current state of the government some more, the demon doesn’t care, and they start a band with them and the weird Italian thing, which has found its way back to them. It doesn’t go far because the weird Italian thing likes to sing love songs to the vampire and the vampire likes to get rid of the weird Italian thing at every opportunity. They almost win on The Gong Show, though.

They spend the majority of the ‘80s and ‘90s being chased by different groups of monster hunters and priests and shit. Sometimes the demon likes to fight back or scare the absolute shit out of them, sometimes the vampire likes to kill them and blame it on gang wars and stuff, and sometimes they run away to another state or to Canada. The vampire keeps complaining about the government like an old man, but that’s because he is a really, really old man. Television keeps getting both better and worse. 

The vampire begins to avoid the demon after the weird Italian thing says something to him and leaves. The demon is confused as shit, but it’s not the first time that anything like this has happened over the past two centuries. When they go out to bars, the vampire begins asking the demon to stay inside while he feeds on a rando. The demon feels like they’re breaking up, which is impossible because they’re not in a relationship. But he’s seen enough tv and movies to know when two people are breaking up. So the demon starts avoiding the vampire too. When they’re not ignoring each other, they work on their tv show that is totally gonna happen eventually. Concepts go from a sitcom like Lucy to something like Wonder Woman starring the weird Italian thing as the main heroine. When the weird Italian thing gets back from vacation, the demon corners its ass and asks what the hell he said to make the vampire avoid him. The weird Italian thing says something that nobody ever would be understand, but the demon gets the basic gist of it. They sit down and have their first real conversation in three months, and it turns out that the vampire really is an old man scared that his best friend was working on a way to break the bond and leave forever. Cheesy as shit, yeah, but you should’ve seen his face, dude!”

“How would you, uh-”

“Cut to 2017 when the vampire finally invests in a video camera and goes to the beach with his demon friend. They have a great time, record the whole thing, edit it, and put it on the internet. It sucks, but they aren’t film geniuses, are they? A month later, the vampire tries to suck off some guy in the alley and the guy turns into a dog and almost bites the vampire’s finger off. That’s how they got the werewolf. A few months later, they find a creepy fuckin’ wizard guy and his human. They make the human do their dirty work. The human gets possessed by a demon, the demon chases the vampire over a bridge-”

“That sounds, uh-”

“Quit interrupting me, dude. Anyway, they find an editor who also happens to be a really lazy witch with the worst attitude possible. And the rest is history until the demon falls in love with a human. Impossible, I know, but who can blame him? She’s perfect and doesn’t seem to care that she’s dating a literal demon. But the stupid human does something really stupid, which would be normal if he doesn’t die. But he does die like a fucking idiot. So here we are at the end of our story. Any questions?”

“Uh, many? I’m just going to, uh ask one though.”

“Shoot.”

“Are you the demon? Is Steven the vampire? Did this all, uh, happen to you guys? Did-”

Cib stand up from his chair and stretches with a groan. Steven is narrating in the other room, talking about Autumn’s unruliness again. 

“That was more than one question, dude!” he says, interrupting Parker. “But the answer is possibly.”


End file.
